How Hard Is It?

How hard is it really?

Sometimes I feel i cant do the simplest things or duties.

Is it because I am lazy?

Is it because I am careless?

Is it because I am too tired?

Is it because I just don't care?

Is it because I am forgetful?

Is it because I have no gas?

Is it because I have no money?

Is it because I am too hard on myself?

Its because I stay asleep too long, and always end up missing something by 10-15 minutes.   I have NEVER been like this before, why now?   Is it really that hard to wake up at a given time, no matter how much sleep you got the night before, and do something that has been planned for many weeks in advance.   I don't understand whats wrong with me, and when i do these kind of things, it really, really bugs me inside, i feel like a total ass, because I am, I feel like a total flake, because I am, I feel like an enormous bowl of guilt, was poured from above my head and instantly greeted with my shoulders and back and arms and finally to my legs, which makes me feel like i cant move, i cant do anything.    

Heck pour me into a bowl of guilt and shame, and call me 

"Disappointment"

or

"Embarrassed"

or

"Irresponsible" 

Here is an analogy of what i feel about school this spring.

I feel like a cereal, called any of the names above, that has been poured into a bowl.   I fit inside, but once things get going, like making the cereal, "cereal", by adding in milk or "focus, responsibilities, devotion, bands"

  

My bowl becomes overfilled with stress and emotions, 

after sitting for a while, the little cereal pieces, 

whatever they may be, begin to absorb the milk, 

making everything bigger and more of a problem, 

and eventually it will all spill over, 

but this is where i can change things, 

i can eat my cereal, and take it one spoonful at a time, 

and enjoy it, or i could rebel and let it all spill out 

and become a bad,  soggy, bowl of cereal. 

Is it really that hard to just eat a bowl of cereal? 

While typing this, i SHOULD have been at a Jazz I gig in Riverside, something ive seriously wanted to do since high school, and now that i have the chance, 

im just going to go ahead and have the audacity to sleep in 

and miss my very first jazz festival with RCC, 

really dude, really?

How hard is it?